In response to elevated concerns of community transmission of COVID-19, Bailey Health Center will be operating completely remotely for the rest of the spring 2021 semester, leaving students with no place to discreetly collect free condoms they won’t use.

Bailey has committed to provide each Lafayette College student with a self-administering vaccine kit complete with a medicine vial, syringe needle, alcohol wipes, instructions for the shot, and a single valium to take the edge off.

“When we were evaluating our students’ needs, we quickly realized that they can usually get equivalent, or even superior, care from their friends, classmates and parents,” said Dr. Jeffrey Goldstein, Director of Health Services. “In a typical semester, we are mainly used as an easy outlet for students to obtain the morning after pill, and bill it to their parents’ account.”

Goldstein said that the vaccine instructions are straightforward, and can be performed by oneself, by a friend or pretty much anyone nearby. The move to an all-virtual service at Lafayette is part of the health center’s ongoing effort to fade to irrelevance during a global pandemic.

“We pride ourselves on providing limited hours, poor handling of confidentiality issues, and a chiding tone we like to use with all of our patients,” Goldstein added.

With the majority of the student body back on College Hill for the spring semester, Bailey has shown off its detailed strategic plan for managing the virus on campus.

“Two words,” Goldstein said. “Herd immunity.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.