New study reveals link between Timberland boots and impotence


Research provides answers to nationwide crisis of fraternity flaccidity

By Candice B. Fureal ‘12


Timberland boots recently cited to be main cause of premature erectile dysfunction. [Photo by Crystale Wellingtonson ‘17]
Timberland boots recently cited to be main cause of premature erectile dysfunction. [Photo by Crystale Wellingtonson ‘17]
After a year-long impotency epidemic on college campuses across America, the National Association of Dysfunction Diagnostic Services released a report finding that Timberlandboots are the cause of this crisis.

NADDS conducted research on men ages 18-22 at four year institutions in the United States. Initial data showed that inability to perform was most prevalent amongst men who were a part of a Greek organization. In a sample group of 5,000 men fitting this demographic, only one in seven participants could get it up, researchers said.

“We showed these fraternity brothers potentially arousing images–pornography, Natural Light, the Vineyard Vines whale, etc.,” Dr. Peter Wang, director of NADDS said. “The only successes were those men who had recently broken both their legs, or had a recent amputation–about 14 percent of our participants.”

The research concluded that footwear must be related to the problem. Fashion experts determined that 100 percent of participants owned a pair of Timberlandboots. After examining the boots, researchers concluded that Timberland’s leather was so handcrafted and artisanal that they were cutting off circulation around the ankles, preventing blood flow to the penile area.

Public reaction has overall been one of relief, especially amongst straight college women.

“I’m used to frat bros underperforming in bed, but this past semester has been a new low,” said Kellie Shrubber, a junior at Statler-Waldorf University. “Now that they’ve figured out what the problem is, at least someone will be getting off.”

Fraternity organizations across America are saying a bittersweet goodbye to their Timbs.

“Will my rugged manliness ever be restored again? Probably not. But these are the sacrifices I am willing to make for the betterment of the community as a whole. After all, what is our Land of Liberty without ‘The D?’” said Murphy Reynolds III, vice president of Stylishness for the North-American Fraternity Conference.

Students report unusual behavior by fraternities on multiple campuses. A student from Kirby College said their chapter of Beta Nu Rho had been spotted building rafts in the center of campus.

At 11 p.m. on Wednesday, April 1, these rafts were launched into the Delaware River after the members of BNR piled their boots on the rafts. The rafts were set on fire, evoking the tradition of ancient Viking burial processes.

“Sometimes the things you love hurt you,” Reynolds said. “We still need to send them off properly.”

Timberland offered no comments on the matter.

NADDS researchers are now pursuing claims that Patagonia pullovers shrink testicles.