By Pra D. Ghee ‘22

The Criminal MissChief

The leopard took down Byerly at approximately 10:37 a.m. as she was addressing alumni in her leopard-print skirt at Fisher Field. Bystanders dragged the animal off of the frightened Byerly, who was found to be scared, but was later treated for minor scratches and Post-Traumatic Stress.

The leopard then bounded off out of the stadium to the Quad, where he ambushed an unsuspecting quaddler before being stunned and tranquilized by campus security guards armed with dart guns and silly string.

The quaddler, when questioned about the event, said, “Just a booboo. Nice kitty cat,”as he slobbered all over his therapist.

The aging leopard, named Stripes, was later found to be toothless, declawed and suffering from an advanced case of dandruff.

“He never did anything like this before,”his trainer Stuart Irvin said. “He is the laziest son of a bitch I know. I sure hope he’s ok.”

Irvin suggested the attack may have been triggered by Byerly’s shockingly realistic leopard-print skirt worn in support of the team.

“Even an old guy like Stripes has his moments,”Irvin added. “The spots reminded him of his childhood crush Gertude.”

Byerly, who was under heavy sedation due to her injuries, was unable to comment.