Lafayette College was irrevocably changed in early March–and the effects of the bubonic plague are still being felt around campus. Classes were not cancelled.

“At the hour upon which ye olde black plague cameth to campus, life was nev’r the same,” said Cornelius Agrippa ‘16. After efforts to quarantine the plague failed miserably, drastic measures were taken. Classes still were not cancelled.

Many students have seen the Plague Doctor walking around campus with a cart saying, “Bring out yer dead!” with his dog Munsonium trotting behind. “But I’m not dead!” said Balthazar Charles ‘18, popping up from the cart. Casualties have gone up to about 800 students, with the Colton Chapel bell ringing constantly marking when a student falls.

“Alas, we shall has’t to accepteth ev’ryone who is’t did apply to Lafayette this year to maketh up f’r the loss” said Puck Starveling, an admissions officer.

On a sunny day, students were seen relaxing on the Quad with WJRH blasting “Ring Around the Rosies.”

Symptoms of the Black Death include headache, fever, and a rash on one’s left buttock. It is highly contagious.

Students have recently burned down Ruef in an effort to contain the most infected area on campus.

“This is what life hath cometh to. We cannot do naught but accepteth these fates,” said President Alison Byerly when asked about the situation, as she waved a crucifix around her office.

“Away, ye demons. Away,” she was heard muttering after the interview.