Dear Editors of The Scoffayette,
I am aware you are the supreme beings of opinion on campus and obviously have the power to make the change I request. My demand is simple:
Change the name of the Pepper Prize to the Salt Prize.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the status of my impending divorce. Mrs Pepper and I are on amicable terms, as obviously demonstrated daily during our featurettes on the ever popular Blue’s Clues television programme. I do not wish to air my dirty laundry in the press…but if you must know, our relationship in the bedroom has not been as spicy, as you could say, as it was prior to the birth of the twins. Not to mention that one green child looks nothing like me.
Regardless of these unfortunate circumstances, I nonetheless believe that this prize should be renamed in my honor. As stated on the Pepper Prize website, the award is given to a senior who “most represents the Lafayette ideal.” Someone who is well-rounded, well-liked and iconic.
Now I ask you. Is it pepper you think of? Is it pepper you find in all of your meals on campus? The decision to name such a prize after my ex-wife was totalitarian, illogical and recognized as a publicity attempt. Do not lie to yourselves—there is only one seasoning that rules this campus.
Your Upper dinner? Salt. Your soup from Marquis? All salt. The crystals on the new Gilbert’s fries that I’m still not sure are better than the forever iconic tater tots? Salt again.
No other flavors or spices preside in the dining halls on this college hill. I implore you to do what is right and rename your idyllic award after the spice that truly runs your campus.
Forever in your arteries,
PS: I will not delve into the nitty gritty of whether or not salt is a spice, a seasoning or a condiment. That is for the government to decide. Or Blue and Joe and Steve. This new fellow Josh should not be considered in the decision, as he may or may not be fucking my ex-wife.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.