Under intense time pressure, the sustainability office is pulling multiple all-nighters to turn in a book report overdue since 1997.

Despite the college listing “writing book reports on time” in its mission statement, officials said in a statement, “We tried reading the Cliff Notes of ‘Silent Spring,’ but they were too long.”

“Each member of the sustainability committee read one page of the book,” said Coordinator of Making Things Greener Jeff Von Servenergy, a retired Exxon ship captain. “And we are working on compiling their summaries.”

When asked why the office of sustainability chose Rachel Carson’s book to write a report on, Von Servenergy arranged an interview with nine people from the office, two from the English department, professor Mary Green’s FYS class, a jazz trio for ambiance and a literal tree.

“We believe the value of this book report is very important,” said Von Servenergy, as the FYS class attempted to lug an American elm they chopped down from the Quad into the conference room to make a bonfire.

“At least from my page, it seemed like a good book,” said member of the sustainability committee Stella Waters. “It’s too bad it never got much publicity.”

Von Servenergy also listed efforts to make the college greener: burning fewer plastics on the Quad, regulating the amount of nuclear waste dumped outside Acopian and actually recycling.

Written by Thurti Pointz ’46.

Editor’s note: This article is part of The Scoffayette, our satire April Fool’s edition.