By Juno Nothing ‘61 | Daydreamer
Photo by Alberta Hoffman ‘43
College administrators reported earlier this week that, in order to ease the burden of the two percent tuition increase for the next Academic year, they are allowing students to pay their tuition in a variety of alternative methods.
“We know that, despite the fact that two percent is the lowest tuition increase in years, it still places our students in difficult positions financially,” accounting manager Donna Yellen told The Lafayette. “So we are excited to announce that students will no longer have to hand over an arm, and a leg, so to speak, for the privilege of higher education.
Now, thanks to the Alternate Payment Initiative, they can hand over a kidney or a liver.”
As the costs of education continue to grab at the pocketbooks of the families of students, the new plan allows them to cut out the middleman, and stop selling their organs on the black market to afford college. They can now start selling their organs to the college itself.
“This is a disaster!” said noted Pennsylvania black market spokesperson Mr. Bigsy. “It will ruin the city’s economy. Do you know how many jobs the impossibly high tuition at Lafayette gives the city each year? Hundreds! Between the surgeries and the shipping, there’s a lot of money coming into the local economy from kids selling their organs to afford an education that will make them competitive in the job market. Heck, I don’t even hire kids without a degree!
This stinks of the elitists on College Hill looking down on the City of Easton. The elitists which didn’t sell their eyes to afford the meal plan on top of tuition, that is.”
While the city’s organ trafficking community is up in arms about this decision, some of the administration is against the idea. “Its absolutely insane to ask our students to pay for college in this way!” lamented accounting technician Steve Molinaro. “The college loses money on every student who does this, its unsustainable!”
Though the black market price of organs is at an all-time high, Molinaro points out, it is still nothing compared to how much tuition costs. “Its gonna take two, maybe three kidneys per student to make this payment plan viable!” he claims.
Nevertheless, Ms. Yellen remains unaffected by Mr. Molinaro’s claims. “It may not be the most economically viable plan,” she said, “but it’s a heck of a lot more affordable than a two percent tuition increase!”
She declined to comment about what the heck the school is doing with its half-billion dollar endowment and rumored strategic reserve of livers.
President Byerly is expected to unveil a new plan later this week to pay for textbooks with 20 years indentured servitude.