Weekly Bulletin: what’s really happening at Lafayette

  • Quadlers discovered smuggling PediaSure to hungover students, selling for profit

  • College hits fundraising goal for more plants in middle of street

  • Lafayette urges students to be more sustainable, only drive Hummer® when absolutely necessary to feel like boss

  • Dog house dogs complete training, to live as Lafayette students independently

    After his first day of classes, Owen the yellow lab was pooped (Courtesy of Pexels)
  • President demolishes own house to show solidarity with neighborhood

  • College to have students teach selves, cut costs of faculty salaries

  • Lafayette’s 8 million gnats make return to quad, ask that students stop bumping into them

    The Lafayette sat down with this Fly Boi to hear about his fellow gnats’ grievances with Lafayette students, who are always in their way. (Courtesy of Wikipedia)
  • Acopian Engineering Center rated #1 Sausage Fest by US News & World Report

  • Professors shocked to discover that students have lives outside of classes

  • Lafayette forgoes vaccine requirements, opts for chicken pox parties

  • Upper’s ice cream machine supplied by McDonald’s

  • Athletic Department unveils five-year plan to win a game

  • College announces Pard Dollars backed by gold

  • Dorm inspections lead to arrest as search crew finds massive stash of candles

  • Pardee catches fire for third time after student drops mixtape

  • College no longer to require SATs: will take money instead

  • College explains expansion plan to Gen Z students: “Lafayette is getting thiccer”

  • Report: Lehigh offered to pay Aunt Becky to send children there

Editor’s note: This is a satire piece featured as part of our annual April Fools’ Scoffayette issue.