Love Letters from Ana: To the Secret Hookups

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We’ve all had them at some point. That person you hook up or hooked up with that you tell absolutely no one about except for your best friend (and even she only knows half of the story.) The nature of college is really a geographical cluster of people making countless and sometimes regrettable decisions. So, naturally a lot of us have had relations with each other that we keep secret because somehow the lack of rumors, Snapchat documentation, and self-admittance makes the relation less real. How does one deal with those secret hookups? Can a regular hookup on the DL be modernly defined as “pre-dating?” And finally, how do you know if you’re someone’s secret hookup?

No matter to what degree your regretted hookup escalated, you’re in a pretty empathetic state. There are many reasons why someone could regret a hookup. You could regret your behavior if you very publicly hook up with someone. You could regret hooking up with that particular person. Maybe he’s your best friend’s crush or he has a bad rep on campus. It could be more of a personal reason that has nothing to do with the other person. Maybe your goal this semester was to stop doing things like that.

At some point, you’re going to have to face the music. The avoidance game just isn’t going to work at a small college. You will run into your hookup. The easiest way to get rid of the uneasiness of the first run in the post-regretted action, is to use humor and lie through your teeth. “Yeah, that was funny last night, right? Jeez, what a hoot! Okay, see you later!”

Then there are those secret hookups that start becoming regular things. Every time you go out you always end up together at the end of the night. This kind of thing can either have the romantic undertone of “He’s shy, I’m shy, is this love? Is this real?” Or it can be the complete opposite idea of “Why do I always end up with this guy? What on earth do I see in him?” If it’s the second situation, you should really evaluate if there is a reason you keep being drawn to this person. Once you answer that question for yourself, you can then determine the next course of action. Basically, if it’s a bad idea, unhealthy, and not what you want, end it. If you want it, only stop when you stop wanting it.

If you see potential for a relationship with your regular secret hookup, you need to address this right away. If there is a reason it is secret and it is not you who is deciding its secrecy, you might be someone else’s secret hookup. And, in that case, you may have a problem. Like a very real girlfriend on the other side of things, or a guy with about a dozen secret hookups that aren’t really secret to his guy friends. On the other hand, you could have a shy guy who is afraid of commitment and just needs you to reassure him. Don’t you wish it could always be that simple?

Whether you have a secret hookup or are a secret hookup, your position isn’t great. Whether you’re doing the hiding, or they’re doing the hiding, there’s always a reason. Exploit that reason. Find out your bottom line or their bottom line. Do what you want at all times and whatever you decide, be proud of your decision and every decision you make in your love life.