Inspired by the French connections of the school’s namesake and following violent protests from students of Greek ancestry, Lafayette’s Greek life program is rebranding as French life.
“The protests by the Hellenic Society have shown us what we already know — change needs to happen now,” said director of French life Jacques Batteaux. “Though we don’t agree with their violent and bloodthirsty means, we understand their message.”
Jean Louis Peugeot Escargot Baptiste Zacharie Barnaud Weewee ‘XXV, the president of Oui Oui Baguette — the fraternity formerly known as Chi Phi — supported the change.
“I didn’t really fuck with the Greeks once I learned about all the gay shit in History 105,” he said, twirling his new mustache. “I think we’re horny in a French way more than a Greek way anyway.”
The change ushers in a slew of new programming for the organizations. Hazing Prevention Week, which previously occurred yearly in the fall, will be replaced with Snail Eating Week.
“We should have no problem with the snail challenges,” mimed Emmanuel Macron, president of Tri Oui, also known as Oui Oui Oui. “If you think about it, it’s not that different from eating live goldfish, so we might be ahead of the curve on that one.”
Additional changes will be made to the groups’ living spaces. If a hopeful entrant cannot name five brothers of Oui Oui Baguette for example, he will be immediately guillotined in the basement Rocher Chambre.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
