The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette


Nicole Hurd looked Vladimir Putin in the eyes and got a sense of his soul.

Hurd ends all global conflicts

By Aweeb, Blithering Idiot March 29, 2024

Weeks after Easton’s ceasefire resolution somehow failed to yield results in the Middle East, Geoff Labe, of all people, dropped a surprise announcement on the campus community. College President...

Dont worry, the Quaddlers cant count to 84,000.

New Bowd of Twustees talks goals, kitties

By Feet That Can Be Worshipped, Insufferable & Illiterate March 29, 2024

Following what some have called “childish decisions” from Boob Sell and The Gang, the college has decided to revamp the Board of Trustees. These new “young and fascinating” trustees stepped into...

“I don’t get the sense that the men were ever afraid to show how smart they were in a classroom,” Thaddeus Robert Barron Pardee ‘33 said.

Men of first class look back 191 years after graduating

By A Girl Who Is "Going To Be Okay", Puzzled March 29, 2024

Cornelius Van Wickle Vanderbilt ‘33 considers himself a pioneer. In the spring of 1829, he became one of the first four Lafayette College students but gets absolutely no recognition due to the woke masses...

Do not come.

Lafayette College announces ‘Hibachi for Harris’

By A Very Thinly Sliced Piece of Ham, Flexitarian March 29, 2024

In our most recent weekly interview with Kamala Harris, the vice president revealed that she really likes dining at hibachi restaurants. Upon learning this, Lafayette College pledged to demolish the entirety...

Defenestrate the frat men? Fine, well do it, twist our arms.

Greek life rebrands as French life

By Dirty Skanky Whore Bitch Librarian, Fearful Leader March 29, 2024

Inspired by the French connections of the school’s namesake and following violent protests from students of Greek ancestry, Lafayette’s Greek life program is rebranding as French life. “The protests...

The jets name is Nathaniel.

Student Government executive board divides endowment by 6 to pay itself

By Aweeb, Blithering Idiot March 29, 2024

The Student Government executive board finally made good on a campaign pledge to pay itself. The math was simple: take the $1 billion endowment, divide it by six and gift it to the most ineffective leaders...

The buttercream had a bit too much salt.

McCartney II was cake the whole time

By Feet That Can Be Worshipped, Insufferable & Illiterate March 29, 2024

A shocking revelation has left the campus in shambles: McCartney II is not being built with steel but red velvet cake. The startling revelation occurred after college President Nicole Hurd drove her...

This miscommunication wasnt just a fan fiction trope.

L-RAJE storms Sigma Tau Delta meeting, apologizes

By Cumala Harris and Your Grandma March 29, 2024

The bespectacled members of the new English honors society, Sigma Tau Delta, were given a scare during their Monday meeting when Lafayette Reproductive Something or Other, or L-RAJE, burst through the...

Timmys is a paradise of cultural wealth and knowledge where curious scholars come to bathe in a joyous understanding of the shared human experience.

‘Abroad changed me’

By Aweeb, Blithering Idiot March 29, 2024

Four Lafayette students vacationing in Maine for spring break decided to travel across the border for an academic and cultural experience unlike any other: purchasing Tim Hortons coffee. “I thought...

Editorial: It is time to come clean

Editorial: It is time to come clean

By The Scoffayette Editorial Board March 29, 2024

To the Lafayette community, Since our power-hungry business manager sold the paper to Rupert Murdoch last week, we have decided to look inward and confront our flaws. That is why, effective immediately,...

Thats not a hickey on your professors neck. She has rabies and will be dead by dawn.

Pardee Bat speaks out, exhausted by discrimination

By GABAGOOL, The Godfather March 29, 2024

This week, The Scoffayette had the rare opportunity to speak to the one and only Pardee Bat — the infamous winged figure who has taken up residence in the alien world that is the Pardee Hall attic.  The...

Carlos defeated the born in Kenya allegations by producing his birth certificate.

Baseball team signs Carlos

By Gordon Ramsay, 412-461-2000 March 29, 2024

After a dismal start to the season, the baseball team has an exciting announcement. According to Head Coach Cracker Jack, the program has signed an exciting new prospect who is ready to make waves around...

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