The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette


The Student Government office should reopen in two to four business days, once the clean up crew takes care of the blood.

Student Government Budget Committee beat to death: Happiness Club, SMAC to blame

By Wage Yap, Bell Bitch I March 31, 2023

Club budgets came out this past Friday and folks, it is not pretty. Student Government Budget Committee members were found dead, beaten to death by unhappy club executive boards. After a thoughtful...

During his time on the Shanghai Sharks, Scott T. Pippin was named Most Caring Player.

Scott T. Pippin to take over as head men’s basketball coach

By Bench Warmer, Horse Girl March 31, 2023

Director of Athletics Frida Semen has announced that Mr. Scott T. Pippin will be taking over as head coach of the men’s basketball team after former head coach Mike Jordan was fired. Pippin, a six-time...

Please dont ask her if shes friends with ChatGPT. Thats racist.

Hurd exposed as AI

By Slutty Librarian, Soles Ghost March 31, 2023

The President’s House has been rocked by scandal yet again as President Nicole Hurd has been exposed as an artificial intelligence bot. The discovery came after an anonymous whistleblower in the computer...

Thank you rich donor!

Alum donates millions to scholarship for straight white men

By Ron DeSantis, Governor of Florida March 31, 2023

Last week, Lafayette alumni John Kirby III ‘69 donated a $420 million gift to the college. Kirby, who made his fortune manufacturing shackles for child slaves, asked that the gift go toward creating...

Kevin requires a diet of three small dogs per shift.

Chi Phi party empty after no one solves their riddles three

By Slutty Librarian, Soles Ghost March 31, 2023

Tumbleweeds rolled through the Chi Phi basement last Saturday as their late-night party went entirely unattended due to the presence of a new type of strict security — a twelve-foot-tall, green bridge...

Dance team poses after dropping sarin gas on innocent cheerleaders.

Dance, cheer shut down due to war crimes

By ARLTCR, Small part of my life March 31, 2023

The dance and cheer teams were shut down by the athletic department last week after their tension-filled regional conflict finally came to a head with the introduction of chemical weapons. "We are calling...

The former members of One Direction will speak on campus next month, provided any professors do not sell quirky female students with messy buns and sparkling blue orbs to them.

New Wattpad writing major introduced

By Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum March 31, 2023

Students were left bamboozled this past Friday after the English department announced that the coveted creative writing concentration would be replaced by a new major in Wattpad™ writing. The popular...

Milos Place is the new Sesame Place under Craig.

Milo’s ends underage drinking

By meowmeowmeow, Editor-in-Queef March 31, 2023

Milo’s Place Bar has reported record-low rates of underage drinking since the establishment brought on a new employee last week. “Now, every person entering Milo’s goes through our new bouncer,...

Letter from the Editor

Letter from the Editor

By The Scoffayette Editorial Board March 31, 2023

To the Lafayette community, We the editorial board are pleased to announce our endorsement of unsafe sex. Condoms? Shameful. Gonnorhea? Spectacular. We hate our Oxford commas, but we hate using protection...

Nicole Hurd with her Nicole Herd.

Hurd says all administrators to be named Nicole by 2026

By Nicole Farmer Hurd, President of Lafayette College March 31, 2023

As the college enters a new phase of the strategic plan and continues to focus on both community building and inclusivity, President Hurd has created a plan for all administrators in Markle Hall to be...

I paid $25 for this. (Anime girl courtesy of kochim on Fiverr)

Student Couple Spotlight: A Farinon romance

By SEX GOD, Susan Wild's #1 Fan March 31, 2023

Introducing the Student Couple Spotlight! Each week, we will be profiling an interesting couple that Yik Yak says partakes in too much PDA. This week, our subjects are Seymour Green ‘23 and a quiet girl...

Just another woke idi*t trying to piss on a great movie with his b.s.

Movie columnist assassinated by political dissident

By Slutty Librarian, Soles Ghost March 31, 2023

Tragedy struck The Scoffayette newsroom when beloved movie columnist Kilometers Tiger ‘23 was killed by a member of the Cinematic Collective Party (CCP). Tiger had recently been assigned a full-time...

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