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President Nicole Hurd showers naked

President Nicole Hurd showers naked

April 1, 2022

President Nicole Hurd has finally been exposed. An anonymous source with intimate knowledge of the president’s most personal–and vile–habits called in last night to reveal that Hurd has been showering...

Episode LXIX: Return of the Quent

Episode LXIX: Return of the Quent

April 1, 2022

A student favorite is making its long-awaited return to College Hill: the Quad Tent.  Affectionately known as the Quent by students, this huge, white monstrosity holds a special place in the heart...

Lafayette solves feminism

Lafayette solves feminism

April 1, 2022

The Board of Trustees has done the impossible. The 19th amendment, granting women the right to vote, took nearly a century of protesting. The board figured out something even better within a week. In...

Lafayette becomes beach-front property after New Jersey falls into the sea

Lafayette becomes beach-front property after New Jersey falls into the sea

April 1, 2022

Students are encouraged to grab their sunglasses and flip-flops, as Lafayette is now beach-front property after New Jersey suddenly sank into the Atlantic Ocean this past week. Geology Professor Davy...

Football team attends three-hour lecture by Juggling Club on how to get girls

Football team attends three-hour lecture by Juggling Club on how to get girls

April 1, 2022

On Sunday, in the asbestos-filled dungeon theatre of Farinon where they found the Lindbergh baby, the Juggling Club hosted a seminar on getting girls to the loneliest group on campus: the football team. “The...

Novel cheese touch PARM-69 spreads, health center distributes KN95 chastity belts

Novel cheese touch PARM-69 spreads, health center distributes KN95 chastity belts

April 1, 2022

As Covid cases decline, a new contagious disease has begun to spread rapidly on campus. The novel cheese touch, colloquially known as PARM-69, has infected a whopping number of 800 students and 40 faculty...

Fraternity initiates PSAFE officer after registering party

Fraternity initiates PSAFE officer after registering party

April 1, 2022

Following the college’s announcement that students will have to start registering all parties, the fraternity Chi Omega Kappa (COK) has become the first success story of this new policy. “We decided...

Greek organizations and College Republicans demand no more interview requests

Greek organizations and College Republicans demand no more interview requests

April 1, 2022

After years of cranky newspaper commies giving them shit, the College Republicans and all 12 Greek life presidents have joined forces in demanding The Lafayette cease asking for interviews. In an open...

Former President Alison Byerly found after nine-month disappearance, elaborate college coverup exposed

Former President Alison Byerly found after nine-month disappearance, elaborate college coverup exposed

April 1, 2022

A couple going for a walk in the Minnesota Big Woods this week came across former President Alison Byerly on a private campground site with a fire fueled by paychecks meant for dining hall employees. When...

College admits one of the Oechsles is a simulation, forgets which one

College admits one of the Oechsles is a simulation, forgets which one

April 1, 2022

This past week, President Nicole Hurd stood in front of the college and sheepishly muttered a confession: one of the two buildings known as Oeschsle is a simulation. Barely able to look at the audience,...

Board of Trustees unanimously passes policy inflating balloon budget

Board of Trustees unanimously passes policy inflating balloon budget

April 1, 2022

After a record low number of balloon arches in the common area of Farinon during this academic year, the administration has acted in collaboration with the Board of Trustees to begin the college’s Five-Year...

Skillman Library to be rebranded as Skillperson Library in inclusivity effort

Skillman Library to be rebranded as Skillperson Library in inclusivity effort

April 1, 2022

A name change is coming to College Hill this fall. Is Lafayette finally going to forsake the genocidal namesake of its primary road? Will Fisher East and West be properly renamed Fisher North and South...

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