If the Super Bowl for you is just the halftime show and commercials, I’m envious of your lack of investment in the outcome. Even if you don’t know what a fourth down is, you should know that we’re also in for quite the feud. And we all love a feud.
This is a game of revenge and redemption. A win for the Seattle Seahawks is like Taylor Swift clapping back with “Reputation.” The New England Patriots prevailing is Zara Larsson’s comeback after a decade of flops.
It’s tea either way. With the best win records for both teams in years and fresh head coaches, this Super Bowl is a miracle and a comeback game, no matter what.
I write this preview with all the malice in my heart. The Seahawks crushed my poor, injured 49ers — the Katy Perry to their Taylor Swift — on the road to the championship game. Even worse, the Bay Area is literally hosting the Super Bowl. Sigh.
But, admittedly, the Seahawks-Patriots game is an infinitely more interesting plot, and one that managing editor Benjamin White ‘27 never would have guessed.
It’s a rematch of the 2014 Super Bowl — the last time Seattle made it, only to deliver its own fate. New England walked away victorious after a “Final Destination”-type ending: just steps away from a game-winning touchdown, Seattle threw the ball into the hands of the Patriots’ defense instead. Tough.
A lot can happen over the course of the NFL season, just like any season of “Love Island.” How these teams were at the start is always different by the time we reach the finale. The Patriots have maintained a league-leading defense, but Seattle’s defense literally calls itself “the Dark Side,” and for a good reason. This might come down to whose quarterback sucks the least.
For those unfamiliar, the quarterback is the guy on offense who passes the ball — the one who says “hike” (Travis Kelce is not one, by the way). New England’s Drake Maye seems to be struggling with, well, doing his job right now, and his status is up in the air over a shoulder injury. Sam Darnold from Seattle, meanwhile, is having a redemption arc of his own, but has a historic habit of giving up the ball to the other team — you’re not supposed to do that.
If you’ve ever heard the announcers mention “special teams,” they just mean the guys who kick the ball, either across the field or through those big yellow posts (or not). Seattle is looking a lot stronger there right now. As much as it pains me to say it, I think the West Coast birds are going to come out of this one alive.
Winning a football game is complex like “Survivor,” and even though it might not be the boy aquarium, these guys are free range, at least. Other things to watch for on the sidelines are Cardi B’s Patriots boyfriend proposing after a win, and how pissed off the federal government will be with Bad Bunny and Green Day’s halftime show, amidst reports of Immigration and Customs Enforcement operating at the game.
Score prediction: 17-14, Seahawks
