Several members of fraternity and sorority life were involved in a convoluted scheme to brutally murder innocent Eastonians, setting a downtown hotel on fire, resulting in injuries and major property damage earlier this year.
In response, chapters were asked months later to voluntarily complete a “mentally powerful” group fitness exercise, according to an email from Director of Fraternity and Sorority Death Pancake Bates.
“Ten pushups feels like an adequate punishment for the crime,” Bates wrote in the email. “No worries if not possible though!”
College-affiliated events will be paused until chapters complete the requirements, though under-the-table activities — AKA everything that fraternities and sororities do — will remain unaffected.
Bates said he worked alongside “woke hater Yik Yak public enemy” Karrie Salamander to create the exercise program with college professionals. Please don’t ask us who those professionals are. We don’t know.
Members of Delta Tau Delta expressed concern with the program, arguing that their chapter members would not be able to complete the designated pushup requirements. The email specified that chapters could apply for a “bitch bitch bitch exception,” in which members would not individually complete 10 pushups, but could do so as a collective chapter.
Other chapter members expressed their frustration with the college’s punishment of bystanders.
“Some of the Kappa girls brought flamethrowers they stole from facilities,” an anonymous sorority member said. “Sure, we didn’t stop them, but neither did any of the adults.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
