An up-and-coming evil supervillain Michael Crappoopshitlin announced Monday that Scammell Industries’ plans to construct a one-million-acre evil lair were “unjustly thwarted” by basic environmental protections.
“I had everything planned out,” Crappoopshitlin moaned. “Everything!”
He waved around a set of blueprints featuring multiple “inators,” a lava moat and a “modest” underground dungeon space where “we can keep the interns.”
“Now I’m being told the land is ecologically sensitive and important for flood control,” said Crappoopshitlin, throwing a grenade into the Nurture Nature Center.
Local officials said rerouting an entire river for the sake of one nefarious base felt “a tad extreme.” The Lehigh Valley reportedly lost 53% of its farmland to evil lairs, fortresses of doom and secret hideaways in the past decade; the Easton Zoning Board remains unconvinced a new secret lair would be beneficial to the broader community.
Coqueen O’Queal, leader of the grassroots “Stop the Evil Lair” movement, recently sat on a pile of 1,800 anti-lair posters in city hall before the zoning board in protest. She threatened to entomb herself alive in the wetlands if Scammell was allowed to proceed. Some guy OneParded her — we’re still not sure if that applies to non-students.
Scammell Industries has since proposed several compromises, including “just an elaborate series of booby traps,” “a massive pile of skulls” and “one (1) decorative volcano.”
The Easton Zoning Board said it would consider these proposals and provide a decision in four to nine business years.
“Where else am I supposed to give dramatic monologues?” Crappoopshitlin said. “On the corner of McCartney with the Bible guys?”
Meanwhile, Lafayette College professors are protesting a proposal for a small shed in the back of March Field. The proposed $225 budget will “take away valuable resources from academic programs,” according to one environmental studies professor.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
