Lafayette becomes beach-front property after New Jersey falls into the sea

Lafayette becomes beach-front property after New Jersey falls into the sea

Students are encouraged to grab their sunglasses and flip-flops, as Lafayette is now beach-front property after New Jersey suddenly sank into the Atlantic Ocean this past week.

Geology Professor Davy Jones explained that the college’s plan to boost enrollment from New Jersey likely caused the Garden State to descend into the sea.

“With so many students leaving the state, the tectonic plates beneath it shifted and brought it into the sea,” he explained. 

Vice President of Enrollment Management Richard van Hubert was shocked that such a thing could happen.

“Crowded dining halls? No parking? That’s par for the course. But the loss of all of New Jersey? This is truly unprecedented,” he said. 

He noted that the college’s plan was to “conservatively” increase the student population by 484,732.

“Can’t say the professors are too happy about that one. But how else are we supposed to maintain that small college feel? Besides, we’ve increased the diversity of the student body with this new group of New Jersey recruits, expanding most of our recruitment to Morristown,” he said. 

Others are delighted about the absence of New Jersey and Lafayette’s new beach-front views.   

Chad Drew ‘24, a member of the lacrosse team who never misses the opportunity to take his shirt off in front of other people, looks forward to spending his free time on the beach. 

“This is what I’ve been working for in the gym all these years,” he said.

Sally MacDonald ‘25, a member of Phi Gamma Tau, echoed Drew’s excitement.

“Now I don’t have to pay for my tanning club membership,” MacDonald exclaimed. 

The allure of the sea is palpable in the administration too. President Hurd explained how an uninhabited island is located about a mile out from the coast and it would make an ideal spot for a new dormitory.

“That’s prime real estate if you ask me,” she said. “It fits the definition of isolation housing and no people means no more of those damned lawsuits, if you know what I mean. But keep that part off the record.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.