With the recent conclusion of midterms, many students are flocking to their professors to bitch and moan about not performing well on the thing literally designed to see how much they have learned. Here are some tips to make sure that you have a successful run-in with your professor.
Begin by acknowledging that there is more than enough blame to go around. Try to take the least amount of responsibility possible while also stressing how much the professor could have taught you better. Once you have established this premise, start spraying slurs at them.
If they don’t immediately realize how bad of a professor they are and quickly change your grade, move on to step two … bribery. First, talk about how little you know their salary is and how much the 20 bucks in your pocket could help their situation. Then, subtly mention that you just got back from the city and you have some nose nachos, fent and trellis if they are interested. If that doesn’t work, offer to suck their dick for an A, or if a female, to munch box, (if you won’t be a munch for an A, you don’t want the A). But don’t stop there, move on to other members of their family. Get with their mother, their grandmother and even their children, but only if they are hot.
If they don’t go for the money, drugs or sex, move on to the final step … threats. Make sure to yell “I hope you don’t care that I have a bomb in this office” or that you are about to violate the Geneva Convention with the sheer amount of sarin gas you have in your backpack. If they do not buy this, pull out your trusty Beretta 1301, and point it at them. This will show how committed you are to getting an A in this class and the professor should finally realize that you deserve it.
If not even that works, shoot them at point blank range. You deserved the A after all and the fact that you aren’t getting it is bullshit. Nothing is your fault.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
