It doesn’t take a detective to discover the mass epidemic of hand, foot and mouth disease on campus. Sure, even Stevie Wonder could see the pus-filled blisters infecting campus, but it takes a true sleuth to uncover the disease’s genesis — its dark origin. To all truth-seeking Pards, allow me to enlighten you on my recent discovery: Bailey Health Center’s secret agenda.

As we all know, the Trump Administration recently discredited acedar-, well, let’s see how we say that, ass-et-a … min-o-phen (acetaminophen), commonly known as Tylenol, claiming that the drug could cause autism in newborn children.

I have deduced that the recent outbreak of hand, foot and mouth was a ploy to restore student traffic to the health center. After the defamation of Tylenol, Bailey’s staff had no way to sustain business, as the center’s keystone ailment to all health issues was the painkiller. 

You may ask, who or what would the health center use as its vehicle to transmit the virus?

Patient Zero is obvious. It is none other than the physical contact queen herself: college President Nicole “I’m a hugger” Hurd. After all, who else could better deliver a contact-transmitted, highly contagious disease?

When asked to respond to these allegations, health center staff declined to respond. Instead, they extended a sore-covered hand, a malicious smile spreading across their face as they offered a handshake.

Pards, I plead with you not to fall victim to Bailey’s malicious operation. If you experience symptoms of hand, foot and mouth, do not seek care from these useless, icepack-dependent, business-hungry physician phonies!

Rather, embrace your infection, hug ole’ Hurd, guzzle your Tylenol and join hands in rash-ridden rebellion!