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INTERIOR – College President Nicole Hurd’s conference room – Evening

“We can’t convert another Greek Life residence into a socially diverse dormitory. We used our last ‘We’re definitely, definitely not a PWI’ card with Lavender Lane!”

“How can we cover our asses this time? I really don’t want the DOE on campus again — I can’t stand another one of their Bigots Anonymous Training Videos!”

“Enough with your — wait … what did you just say?”

“Bigot’s Anonymous Training Videos?”

“I think I just found our ass-cover …”

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Pards, if you haven’t yet heard, the Fraternity and Sorority Life’s Wellness 101 Seminar ended in utter disgrace. Members of the FSL community made antisemitic, racist and sexist remarks during a word cloud — a survey format that is continuously used at every group presentation, despite contributions largely consisting of phrases such as “elephant walk” no matter the prompt.

But fear not! Our time as a senseless, bigot-ridden community is over! Thanks to the hard work and genius of our college administration, all sexists, antisemites and racists will be reformed overnight with a mandatory 30-minute educational video.

The video features a middle-aged white man (southern), briefly discussing why making jokes about social minority groups is bad. To keep viewers engaged, Subway Surfer gameplay will be featured on the upper half of the module.

“I learned that I can’t just call my buddy ‘***,’” one anonymous fraternity member said in awe. “That was really deep. Like me in your mom.”

Sure, we may not be able to party or socialize in any fraternal fashion per our suspension, but we will enter our 200th year as a culturally-woke, learned institution. Here’s to matcha-drinking, posting about international affairs online and pickleball this Spring Semester. Roll lib-Pards!