Secaucus Rutherford Kirby III — yes, like that Kirby, what other one is there? — passed away on Tuesday from what was probably history’s first Ozempic overdose, authorities said. He was 67, or 69. We don’t really know.
Kirby was definitely not the last of the Kirbys, considering Zeta Psi still has the best on-campus fraternity house with 2.5 members, but nonetheless, none of his relatives were reachable by The Scoffayette.
One anonymous source close to the Kirby family said that they stormed out of the country to France in anger to start their rich alumni Paris bicentennial trip soon after discovering that Secaucus Kirby III had dedicated all his savings and assets to Lafayette College.
“It was like that one scene in ‘Knives Out,’” she shuddered. She quickly recovered by thinking about Chris Evans in a white cable knit sweater, which is something the author also does to placate herself.
College administrators, meanwhile, were overjoyed.
“So-and-so passed away, but they gave us $2 million, right?” said Audrey “Dolla Signs” Car, VP of College F-f-f-f-cash. “We’ll say a quick prayer for them, and thank you for their gift. So you get the happy and the sad all in one time. But those are really important to us.”
Other changes to the college will include three more bicentennial-themed statues of various neon hues, hiring back Rob and Karina and Quad dining pop-ups every day. The college spokesman refused to share the exact amount donated and asked that The Scoffayette not write about it to “avoid drawing attention” from a federal government that loves to take federal funds from colleges.
We flipped him the bird.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
