By Billie Idle

Photo courtesy of thecampuscompanion.com

Students will no longer be able to bring alcohol to class.

In 1998, they got rid of Kegs on the Quad. In 2012, they turned Monroe Street into dry housing. And now, in 2013, the administration is taking away the final frontier of student inebriation. “Effective immediately, all classes will be dry,” outgoing President Daniel H. Vice. “No longer can students bring alcohol into the classroom.”

This new ruling covers pre-gaming before night classes, mimosas at 8 a.m.’s, and spiking coffee for morning classes. “It’s just not feasible to keep going like this,” said biology Professor Donovan Pennybacker, who had to cancel lab after students tried to start a game of pong with the glass beakers.

A similar occurrence happened in Professor Harrison Bluth’s history class, when two students resolved a debate with “an inappropriate and untimely public display of affection.”

The creative writing and art department, however, have reported an improvement in their classes.

According to research, this trend has been increasing for the past seven years, especially around the end of the semester.

“I don’t see the problem with it,” said a first year student, who requested to remain anonymous. “I would never have the confidence to participate in class without my liquid courage,” she continued, pointing to the flask in her pencil case.

Other students have agreed, especially when it comes to presentations.

“How else would I be able to talk in front of my peers for fifteen minutes?” said another underage student who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus, I understand ‘meta’ so much more after a few glasses of wine.”

In the interest of maintaining the quality of academics, professors will now be testing students with a breathalyzer during attendance.

“It’s not fair to the students who stay sober for class,” Vice said of the ruling. “Once students stop filling their Nalgeneswith vodka, we’ll really start being competitors with other schools, like Bucknell and Colgate.”