A capella group Sole-fiji declared war on Lafayette College’s other three vocal groups Tuesday, setting off an aca-power struggle not seen in decades. No one died. Phew (C major).
Within hours, the Mar-Queefs, Candace and the Khakis joined on the Quad, shattering eardrums everywhere to the tunes of today. The situation quickly deteriorated after a rendition of the “rest in peace my granny she got hit by a bazooka” song was misinterpreted as a “scavenger hunt Instagram Thursday feature Day in the Life” challenge.
“I’ve never seen something SOOO out of the ordinary!” said a Sole-Fiji member posing as a disgruntled student, launching the group into a “sharp” rendition of Alex Warren’s “Ordinary.”
Not to be outdone, Candace shrilled their hearts out to the “Phineas & Ferb” theme song, while the Khakis pantsed audiences to the tune of “Pants on the Ground.” Struggling to find similarly appropriate wordplay, the Mar-Queefs settled for a CupcakKe mashup instead.
“Back in the day we called this a riff-off,” an anonymous acapella aficionado complained. “Now we call it a rip-out. Like, rip your ears out before it’s too late.”
In protest, all four groups briefly united to sing the entire “Pitch Perfect” soundtrack in as many keys as possible, instantly killing all witnesses just trying to tan and play spikeball on the Quad.
Whether Spring Jam is still on is a coin toss. You can bet on it on Kalshi.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
