A group of Lafayette College administrators stood in a circle on the Quad, flying French flags and saddling hobby horses like those very impressive competitive professionals.

It’s a symptom of “Bicentennial Derangement Syndrome,” said Director of HP Jodi Scooter.

“I don’t entirely know what this is, but it’s not norovirus,” Scooter said. She then proceeded to join the circle.

“The bicentennial is coming,” college President Nicole Hurd chanted, attempting to display “200” in sign language.

In honor of the sacred number, the college swiftly enacted major changes on Wednesday: moving forward (together) the college will be home to only 200 students and 200 faculty members, with 200 administrators and 200 trustees to steer the ship.

“That’s a 1:1:1:1 ratio,” Hurd said. “This is democracy in action. I cannot imagine a more evenly shared governance.”

To fund the restructuring, tuition will increase to $200,000 per year, though all students will receive $200 in Pard Dollars per semester in an effort to increase financial equity.

“Theoretically, I get more Hana, so that’s a win,” Mamonin Majenning ‘27 said.

The college also suddenly soared to 200th on Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression’s annual free speech ranking, which is waves higher than what it was before. Unrelated, it fell to the 200th-ranked liberal arts college in Pennsylvania.

“It is worth it,” said Hurd, attempting 200 jumping jacks. “The bicentennial has taught us to remember our past and our ancestors.”

Hurd galloped away on her stick horse with Mrs. Bicentennial, Nicole Eramo, who dropped her Rolling Stone magazine and hideous maroon bicentennial regalia.

“It’s the faculty’s time,” said professor Quaroqline Qlee, emerging on the Quad, though she too locked eyes with a strange, maroon “200”-looking spirit; the power of “and” was too overwhelming … oh god, what is happening?

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.