Lafayette College announced Wednesday that the entirety of its $1.2 billion endowment has been lost, eaten up by a couple of bets on the prediction market app Kalshi.
The finance division confirmed that Chief Investment Officer Krishna Memoney placed half of the endowment on whether it would rain in Phoenix on Tuesday and half on the over on views for MrBeast’s latest video, “30 Mukbangers Vs World’s Strongest Pregnant Beggar.” Memoney described the latter in a group text to the Board of Trustees as “literally free money, have you seen this guy’s numbers?”
It did not rain in Phoenix. The video got demonetized for “sexual content” and was quickly deleted.
In a phone call from California, college President Nicole Hurd called the situation “a learning opportunity” and praised Memoney for trying his best to navigate what was ultimately “just a big oopsie poopsie.”
“This could happen to any of us, right?” she said, noting her contract will remain extended through 2030 with yearly salary increases regardless.
Lafayette’s credit rating, previously “A+/Aa3 Five Stars per Standard and Poor’s and Moody’s and Something,” has reportedly been revised to LOL/“We’ve been trying to reach you about your endowment’s extended warranty.”
When asked if the college planned to cut any spending in the interim, VP of College F-f-f-f-cash Audrey “Dolla Signs” Car said that she had identified one significant area of bloat, though she could not name it.
“It rhymes with ‘the shmarts shmogram,’” said Car, whose contract will also remain extended through 2030, in case you forgot.
By The Scoffayette’s publication deadline, Memoney had placed $34 — the last of his personal savings — on Jesus returning to Earth next weekend. He said he was “feeling pretty good, motherfuckassss.”
Disclaimer: Gambling addiction is a serious issue, and more people need to educate themselves on it. Like, parlays are a long game. Anyone who tells you otherwise has never hit a parlay. I’ve hit a lot of parlays and I’m almost out of the red! Just don’t look at my Klarna account.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
