A 200-story nuclear bunker beneath Lafayette College President Nicole Hurd’s personal residence is progressing on schedule, she revealed Tuesday. The bunker is, of course, part of the college’s “master plan.” All of this is very normal.
“It is going super well,” said Hurd to the enraged anti-bunker faculty convened at the pit in her backyard. “What you’re seeing is simply the Earth making space.”
Several men in hard hats near the site, who referred to Hurd exclusively as the “Almighty & Likeable Mistress of the Brick,” declined to comment, though one offered The Scoffayette a commemorative tote bag for the occasion. The bag featured a small screen-printed portrait of Hurd with a halo and the text “God willing the Almighty & Likeable Mistress of the Brick Nicole Farmer Hurd will bring our good College to Glory.”
According to Hurd, the Almighty & Likeable Mistress of the Brick, the previous campus design overprioritized “breadth.” The new bunker will allow her to complete a “deeper level” of campus work.
“Work toward implementing the values of our master and strategic plans should be happening at all levels of the college,” Hurd said. “Senior administrators, alumni, the crust, the mantle, the outer core, the inner core.”
The bunker will feature 31 residential floors for trustees and their relations, and a new Presidential Walk of Fame displaying photos and information about all of the college’s 18 presidents. Early designs showed former college president Alison Byerly represented by a large crane, and former former college president Daniel Weiss as a sniveling nerd using an inhaler. Sad, but true!
The bottom-most floor will contain a cryogenic wing for “senior leadership, valued donors and one additional person from a very competitive applicant pool.” VP of College F-f-f-f-cash and College Puppetmaster Audrey “Dolla Signs” Car called it a precautionary measure in case the whole Iran thing turns sour.
College spokesperson Scott Morse will not be included, a fact he described as “fine,” “totally fine” and once, at volume, “FINE.”
“Somebody has to stay,” said Morse, who did not look fine. “You can’t freeze everyone. That’s just basic master planning.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
