If you’ve ever dreamt of teleporting into the retro fairground of your favorite movie, Pinterest board or Halloween-themed Madden Mobile stadium (don’t ask), look no further than the nearby Bushkill Park, home of the nation’s oldest funhouse, Hilarity Hall.
I arrived at 7:30 p.m., uneasily making my way past the spooky welcome sign and empty attractions before arriving at the ticket booth. Ominous music oozed out of the speakers on the cold, clear night as I made the treacherous walk to my first stop: The Haunt, an outdoor loop on the outskirts of the forest.
The Haunt is (mostly) in plain sight, but that didn’t make it any less of a fright. Sure, I’m jumpier than your average Joe, but the actors made sure to scare me out of my pants throughout the walk. The stalking skeletons sent me scampering from house to house, a stray apprentice in the butcher’s house scared me senseless and the ghoulish red lighting kept me on my toes between stations. Even Salem during the 1692 witch trials couldn’t have been so harrowing … and that was only the easy part.
Hilarity Haunt, the actual funhouse, petrifies patrons from the moment they gaze upon its ethereal entrance. Inside, guests are immediately squeezed in black balloon walls as the scarers torment you from all angles. I was just about in terror, even hitting the deck after a particularly sneaky shocker, until I banded together with a larger group for the upstairs level. A little company assuaged my fears significantly, but the drooling, leg-eating cannibal at a dead end freaked us out just the same.
Two of those new friends, Jeremiah Lee and Geo Balseca, also organized the park’s third annual trunk-or-treat that night, but they had to remind me after I foolishly asked whether they’d gone to the funhouse.
“You went through with us!” Lee exclaimed, sending the three of us into hysterics.
The funhouse opened as early as 1914, just 12 years after the park’s establishment in 1902. Despite the gradual decline of fairgrounds and frequent flooding over the years, the park has persevered, something manager Sue Klein attributes to its memory-making magic.
“People come here to make memories,” Klein said. “People come back again to make more memories. People just love coming here.”
Missy McGinley, 47, a lifelong park attendee, echoed Klein’s sentiment.
“I think I had my eighth birthday party here,” McGinley said. “It’s nice to come back here after all these years and still see the skating rink where I had my birthday parties. It’s wonderful.”
Others, however, were not as enamored.
“You’re not creepy,” a fearless toddler screamed as he left the funhouse, setting a standard of stoicism I won’t soon eclipse.
The funhouse is still open Friday and Saturday night from 7 to 9:30 p.m. Admission is $20 per person, and The Haunt and the funhouse are included in the ticket. The park is also open regularly from Memorial Day to Labor Day, with special events throughout the fall and winter.
The toddler’s criticisms notwithstanding, Balseca gave the experience high marks.
“It was scary in there, for sure,” Balseca said. “I would recommend it, 10 out of 10.”
Me too, man. Me too.