The crowd of delinquent brokers goes quiet. They don’t want their crony leader to leave them stranded in the mess of legal trouble he caused. Then, launching the team off of rock bottom, Wolfie cries, “I’m not f-cking leaving!”
Pards, the only thing separating Mr. Belford and me is that I prefer snorting my cocaine off of inanimate objects — think dollars, forks and keys alike, rather than female appendages. Well, that, and I am unfortunately leaving.
However, like Jordan, I thought that after my purely evil career, I would switch the narrative and inspire others with my experience. So, future Bingos, or whatever pen name you will go by, here are my three steps to becoming a successful humor columnist.
- Bite off more than you can chew. Agree to more than you originally thought possible. You see, I had never written humor pieces before “The Wheekly Whammy.” However, when I was approached by some friends to join The Lafayette because they thought my smooth-brained persona was entertaining, I decided to give it a shot. If someone told me I would have generated nearly 20 humor columns throughout my senior year, I would’ve been shocked. But now I am so glad I did.
- Live fully and stupidly. Do things because they are funny and awesome. Live a life that makes you laugh. Nearly all of the columns I have written so far this year have derived from something idiotic I have done or an inside joke with my friends. Your future self might also thank you for lowering your net CHUD-ery.
- Pitch the most absurd and inappropriate version of your work possible. The editors of this column are really good at making sure the stuff I write won’t come back in the form of:
“Mr. Rose, we found some troubling comments you made during your college career.”
However, express yourself freely and let the experts guide you down the right path. Don’t let your self-censorship prevent you from unlocking a truly awesome column.
Pards, thank you for joining me in this journey. It has been an absolute pleasure to express myself creatively, and I hope I made you chuckle along the way.
Now, I want to leave you with a more appropriate quote from the Wolf to end my final piece:
“The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bullsh-t story you keep telling yourself as to why you can’t achieve it.”
Pards, go find your Bingos!
Editor’s note: This is a satire article.