Greetings Lafayette! Never have I been so glad to be so far away. I miss you all dearly, but rumor has it that campus is quite literally experiencing a plague. The fact that I’m informed on #noro2016 from South Africa qualifies the pandemic as international news. So now Easton has a claim to fame beyond the Crayola factory and Larry Holmes—how exciting!

While I’m obviously removed from the situation, I’m using my vantage point as an outsider to give you the top ten ways to avoid this virus:

1. Put down whatever device you’re reading this on – it’s covered in germs (Editor’s note: please don’t do this)
2. Buy hand sanitizer; keep using it until you no longer have fingerprints
3. Take 1000mg of Vitamin C (not a joke, but advice from my mom)
4. Are you kidding me? Put away this device…you don’t know where it’s been! GERMS!!
5. Sub orange juice for jungle juice
6. Lick fewer banisters
7. Stop reading! God knows what you’re friends have been doing to this tablet before you!
8. Research the most effective sanitizers
9. Discover the most effective sanitizer is fire
10. Burn everything