The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Lafayette College announces ‘Hibachi for Harris’

Do+not+come.
Photo by Dirty Skanky Whore Bitch Librarian for The Lafayette
Do not come.

In our most recent weekly interview with Kamala Harris, the vice president revealed that she really likes dining at hibachi restaurants. Upon learning this, Lafayette College pledged to demolish the entirety of Cattell Street to make way for 28 new hibachi joints.

Construction will begin tomorrow.

“To Mayor Sal Panto, who I am mad at, please understand that you have been blacklisted from all 28 establishments,” said Geoff Labe, the guy in charge of debate planning, in a statement. “Unless, of course, you have a shrimp allergy, in which case, please come, mouth wide, ready to catch.”

All classes have been canceled and every student has been enrolled in a Secret Service-sponsored boot camp for building those little onion ring stacks that go “choo choo” in just the way Kamala likes them. 

At a press conference announcing the demolition, college President Nicole Hurd hammered home a familiar phrase.

“Lafayette is a school where we say ‘and,’” Hurd said. “Hibachi and hibachi.”

“And hibachi and hibachi and hibachi and hibachi,” she continued, for a very long time.

In a show of bipartisanship, the college has extended an invitation to Scooter Guy ’25, the likely Republican nominee for vice president, to dine at one of the new hibachi joints.

“Scooter Guy, we are holding a position open for you at our flagship location as the little Wee Pee the Wee Wee Squirting Boy that sits on the hibachi cart,” Labe said.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

Leave a Comment
About the Contributors
Once ate a small man and regretted it
They misunderestimated me.

Comments (0)

If you wish for your response to an article to be submitted as a letter to the editor, please email [email protected].
All Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *