The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

New Bowd of Twustees talks goals, kitties

Dont+worry%2C+the+Quaddlers+cant+count+to+84%2C000.
Photo by TikTok for The Lafayette
Don’t worry, the Quaddlers can’t count to 84,000.

Following what some have called “childish decisions” from Boob Sell and The Gang, the college has decided to revamp the Board of Trustees. These new “young and fascinating” trustees stepped into their roles on Monday, but they have awfully big shoes to fill with their toddler-sized feet.

The new board consists of 12 Quaddlers.

“After the Board voted on the 84k tuition, the Lafayette community decided that it was time for change,” Fay K’Stewdent ‘26 said. “We led an overthrow, because if we have to look at people doing heinous shit to this campus, we might as well be looking at tiny yellow jackets.”

The board sat criss-cross-applesauce with The Scoffayette to discuss their goals.

According to trustee Wittle Timmy, 4 ¾, the school will pivot its expansion plans immediately.

McCawtney twos have no swide,” he said. “I want a pwaygwound fow my fwiends.”

Women’s rugby, currently on suspension after accusations of hazing, will be permanently kicked off campus, as they are “meanies who don’t treat each other how they want to be treated.”

Roary, the school mascot, has also been removed from campus, as the board was not able to conduct business when they all kept running to pet the kitty cat.

“Woawy says meow!,” said Aidy Aych-Dee, 3 ½.

The commencement speaker will no longer be Amy Herman, as she is “no fun at all!” according to Peewee Penny, 4 ⅓. In Herman’s place, Doc McStuffins will speak to the graduating class about what it means to be kind and provide equitable and convenient menstrual products. 

Editor’s note: The latter was a requirement by the Quaddlers. Even they get it.

Despite the changes, students are elated to finally see a younger approach to student life.

“I was a little confused when Upper served dino nuggets instead of the usual dry ass chicken for dinner,” Fucher Plej ‘27 said. “But the new mandatory 3-4 p.m. nap time coupled with the weekly allowance has been electric for my Dollar Beers needs.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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