The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

The Oldest College Newspaper in Pennsylvania

The Lafayette

Hurd ends all global conflicts

Photo by Aweeb for The Lafayette
Nicole Hurd looked Vladimir Putin in the eyes and “got a sense of his soul.”

Weeks after Easton’s ceasefire resolution somehow failed to yield results in the Middle East, Geoff Labe, of all people, dropped a surprise announcement on the campus community.

College President Nicole Hurd had secured world peace.

“I’ve been told that the president of the fifth-best liberal arts college in Pennsylvania might be an unorthodox choice to lead global peace talks,” Hurd said at a press conference. “But you need to be the tomato. And today I was the tomato.”

Hurd, flanked by the Qatari and Kuwaiti emirs, the Burmese and Israeli premiers and the presidents of Russia, China, Syria and the Palestinian Authority, asserted that the world would adopt a “culture of and” from here on out.

Details about the deal were sparse, but Hurd promised that all citizens of the Global South would receive free Sweet Girlz cupcakes on their birthdays — a policy so successful at Lafayette College that Hurd figured she’d solve world hunger with it.

The really DILF-y king of Jordan, in an interview, praised Hurd for “really bringing the roar,” winking in a manner so suggestive that a reporter for The Scoffayette was immediately impregnated.

President Joe Biden, who learned of the news only after being woken up from his third of four mandatory daily naps, applauded the development.

“I’ve known Alexandra since the old Delaware days,” Biden said of Hurd, who is not from Delaware and whose name is not Alexandra. “I’m happy to see another policy achievement that I can claim as my own.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.

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About the Contributor
Aweeb, Blithering Idiot
To the editors, When I opened the newspaper last week, I was surprised to find my photograph and article on the front page detailing a sensitive Student Government matter — without my permission. As a student leader, I expect scrutiny. However, The Lafayette has an ethical responsibility to consider privacy and consent before exposing identifiable student information. The article centered on my resignation that I was navigating confidentially as a member of the Student Government. Yet, the Lafayette featured my photograph prominently without asking for permission. The paper argued that by taking on a student leadership role, I had relinquished reasonable expectations of privacy. Media oversight does not necessitate violation. Such unapproved exposure delivered unnecessary stress at a challenging time when I least expected to be dealing with media publicity. I felt robbed of the opportunity to prepare peers who might see these details broadcast across campus. Unfortunately, I learned this was not an isolated incident: other student leaders confided in me about similar aggressive, inconsiderate coverage by The Lafayette last year — coverage that severely disrupted their life. They told me about reporters calling them past midnight demanding comments, and confronting them during meals to ask them questions. The justification? That invasive publicity “comes with the position” of Student Government. While reasonable for paid public officials, this rationale seems dubious when applied to student volunteers. We did not take on these roles to have our privacy invaded. Rather than targeting student leaders unnecessarily, The Lafayette could better fulfill its journalistic duty by highlighting the over 100 active clubs that imbue our college experience with meaning — the kaleidoscope of groups across academics, arts, activism and more that make Lafayette, Lafayette. Groups like the International Students Association, LaFarm and Refugee Action not only foster personal growth but build bonds of community. Showcasing this ecosystem of student organizations could offer transparency into student life without compromising reasonable expectations of privacy. The Lafayette undoubtedly plays a vital part in illuminating and analyzing salient issues in student life for its readers. However, this must be balanced with respect for individual privacy. This requires thorough staff training on journalistic best practices — particularly seeking all perspectives pre-publication. It requires establishing standard procedures for keeping individual students anonymous if they discuss sensitive matters. And it requires a genuine refocus away from targeting student volunteers over trivial matters and toward balanced coverage of the diverse experiences that make our campus culture special. Chris Kirch ’26, ex-parliamentarian of the Student Government

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  • S

    SSUMar 29, 2024 at 11:41 pm

    Hahahaha –
    I assure you humanity will have the last laugh 😉