Every other week, Melissa Last ‘17 will list her “Top Ten” events and trends on campus.

Unless you’ve been locked inside your dorm room for the past few weeks, you’ve heard of the new alcohol policy in place for athletes. Most students were outraged, as the policy entailed that any student athlete who is sent for medical attention due to alcohol consumption or caught with alcohol will face a suspension from his or her sport.

In all fairness, the policy has been amended. But let’s at least take a minute to consider athletic director Bruce McCutcheon’s perspective. Thus I present to you the top ten thoughts passing through Bruce McCutcheon’s mind while drafting the new alcohol policy for athletes:

1. If history shows us anything this hard line policy will definitely turn the kids away from alcohol! *ignores all information about Prohibition in the 1920s*

2. I don’t get why these students feel they need to drink… it’s not like any professional athletes use or abuse substances.

3. Alcohol is definitely the only reason we keep losing.

4. Does “#RollPards” constitute as plagiarism? Is everyone pretending that Alabama doesn’t already use this? How does a Pard roll, exactly?

5. This will really make our recruits want to attend Lafayette.

6. Fingers crossed that at least some senior athletes are trained in basic first-aid now that nobody will seek out proper medical attention.

7. I never imagined students would take ‘blackout games’ so seriously…thanks a lot, Leopard’s Lair.

8. Maybe now football will only lose to William & Mary by 21…or at least score in the double-digits.

9. The Lafayette brand. PROTECT IT.

10. Should I sober up before finalizing this?