Weeks after Easton’s ceasefire resolution somehow failed to yield results in the Middle East, Geoff Labe, of all people, dropped a surprise announcement on the campus community.
College President Nicole Hurd had secured world peace.
“I’ve been told that the president of the fifth-best liberal arts college in Pennsylvania might be an unorthodox choice to lead global peace talks,” Hurd said at a press conference. “But you need to be the tomato. And today I was the tomato.”
Hurd, flanked by the Qatari and Kuwaiti emirs, the Burmese and Israeli premiers and the presidents of Russia, China, Syria and the Palestinian Authority, asserted that the world would adopt a “culture of and” from here on out.
Details about the deal were sparse, but Hurd promised that all citizens of the Global South would receive free Sweet Girlz cupcakes on their birthdays — a policy so successful at Lafayette College that Hurd figured she’d solve world hunger with it.
The really DILF-y king of Jordan, in an interview, praised Hurd for “really bringing the roar,” winking in a manner so suggestive that a reporter for The Scoffayette was immediately impregnated.
President Joe Biden, who learned of the news only after being woken up from his third of four mandatory daily naps, applauded the development.
“I’ve known Alexandra since the old Delaware days,” Biden said of Hurd, who is not from Delaware and whose name is not Alexandra. “I’m happy to see another policy achievement that I can claim as my own.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
SSU • Mar 29, 2024 at 11:41 pm
Hahahaha –
I assure you humanity will have the last laugh 😉