President Nicole Hurd has finally been exposed.

An anonymous source with intimate knowledge of the president’s most personal–and vile–habits called in last night to reveal that Hurd has been showering without any clothing at all. 

“She showers naked,” the source said in a single, deep shuddering breath. “I’ve tried to get her to stop, but it’s gotten to the point where she won’t even wear the special shower socks I bought her.”

“I hope the Lafayette community will understand that the act doesn’t represent the woman,” he continued, choking back tears. “She needs help, and I fear this is the only way to get it to her.”

Hurd did not respond to a request for comment on the deplorable betrayal of the Lafayette community, though her husband had some choice words for our night coverage crew waiting outside their residence, “Keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth!”

The phone call was recorded, and once Bill Hurd’s voice is altered for anonymity, the transcript will be released on our website and on Soundcloud.

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.