You didn’t ask, and I delivered: I’m back again for my second and final Valentine’s Day column, trying to leave my mark on the paper as the best unqualified advice giver there ever was. I hope these are helpful – but no promises! 

What’s your best original date idea?

I have many options for you. Watch snails move in the grass together. Wash your car together. Jump in a body of water together! Learn how to do a handstand together. Go to a dog park and pet all the dogs together.

What is the most romantic Hot Wheels to buy my car-oriented boyfriend?

Need I say more?

Top five favorite love songs? 

In no particular order:

“Kiss Me” – Sixpence None the Richer 

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” – Ms. Lauryn Hill 

“Thirteen” – Big Star

“A Sunday Kind of Love” – Etta James

“Till There Was You” – The Beatles 

What is a crafty gift you can make for your girlfriend?

Build your girlfriend a house! Three bedroom, two and a half bath. If he wanted to, he would. 

Which dining hall do I take my date to? 

Bring them to Marquis (fanciest tables) and hire your friend to wait on you. Brown paper napkins in the lap, water refilling from the refill station, the whole nine. First course: salad station. Second course: sandwich station. Third course: cereal station. Dessert: those Rice Krispie treats with the Fruity Pebbles in them. It’s a perfect plan, but I can’t guarantee you a second date. 

Dette! What should you do if your friend keeps making bad relationship choices?

Plan an intervention for them. Design a banner that says “STOP” to really get the point across. That’s about all I’ve got.