The Student Government executive board finally made good on a campaign pledge to pay itself. The math was simple: take the $1 billion endowment, divide it by six and gift it to the most ineffective leaders on campus.
“Lafayette wasn’t using the endowment to buy tampons, so we figured it was up for grabs,” said Student Government President I Abstain ‘25 in an interview near the Delaware River, where she has docked her yacht.
Student Government Treasurer Cristopher Myhairyass ’26 said that he deduced that the move made financial sense after reading Yik Yak posts disparaging the proposal a few weeks ago.
“The people were saying that StuGov should just go ahead and build a landing strip for its private jet,” Myhairyass said. “Then we thought to ourselves, ‘Hmm, these people are onto something.’ And the only way we can finance these initiatives is to gift ourselves $167 million apiece.”
With her new fortune, Student Government Parliamentarian Ave Maria ‘26 has knocked down all but one sorority house to make way for a hydro dam powered by the tears of peasant Lafayette students living in squalor.
Meanwhile, the Student Government inclusivity officer, in a bid to be “equitable,” has established a Hunger Games for the 2,723 students not serving on the executive board. The winner of the Hunger Games will be allowed to eat with the football team at its “training table” instead of being forced to sit on the floor.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.