This week, The Scoffayette had the rare opportunity to speak to the one and only Pardee Bat — the infamous winged figure who has taken up residence in the alien world that is the Pardee Hall attic.
The bat, an aspiring poet, said he felt othered in the Pardee community, calling out night shift custodians as particular aggressors of his.
“How the hell am I supposed to get an adequate liberal arts education when I get trapped in a ‘safety net’ every time I try to live my truth?” the bat said, wings flapping aggressively. “How would you feel if students screamed every time you walked into class? What would it do to your self-esteem if you knew no one wanted to hear your sonnets and soliloquies?”
The interview ended abruptly when The Scoffayette asked about the swirling rumor that the bat had tested positive for rabies.
“Like my lawyer said, I didn’t come here to talk about rabies,” the bat yelled, off the record. “I like to knit. I went on the Alternative School Break trip. Isn’t that interesting enough? Who cares if I have rabies? Am I not a human being?”
The Scoffayette acknowledges that the bat is not, in fact, a human being.
The rabies virus, members of the languages and literary studies department and the bat’s spider friends all declined to comment.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.