Cornelius Van Wickle Vanderbilt ‘33 considers himself a pioneer. In the spring of 1829, he became one of the first four Lafayette College students but gets absolutely no recognition due to the woke masses completely eliminating the trials and tribulations of men in this country.
“I guess we, as men, just feel really disadvantaged and unfairly overlooked, as men,” said the ghost of Van Wickle Vanderbilt.
The men, who studied at Lafayette gearing up for careers in Westward Expansion, reflect positively on their undergraduate experience.
“Lafayette used to turn boys into men,” Jefferson “Mr. Monopoly” Kirby ‘33, a pontificating major, said via Ouija board interview. “We would go out to the Bushkill and do gay stuff.”
Under the leadership of Rev. John Monteith, who “was six feet tall, and was straight as a rod” according to his lengthy Wikipedia page, the men engaged in “useful bodily labor” for three or four hours a day (this is real, look it up).
But life was not all flowers and rainbows for the first fellas of Lafayette.
“Sometimes there was no soot in the chimneys to sweep,” said Thaddeus Robert Barron Pardee ‘33, from beyond the grave. “But we made do. We would find a stick and a rock and go wild.”
When asked by The Scoffayette how the discovery of the sun as the center of the universe affected his education, Kirby responded, “Why is a woman speaking to me right now?”
Van Wickle Vanderbilt echoed this sentiment.
Pardee was an exception to many students. He founded Lafayette’s first women’s suffrage club under the belief that women should only be struck by their husbands sometimes.
“Oh my god, that woman was so fucking ugly,” Pardee said of his own wife, who he beat frequently. “Women. They say you can’t live with them or without them. I say live in between them.”
While the college recognizes the women of the class of 1974 as trailblazers, the men see things differently.
“We were pioneers,” said Van Wickle Vanderbilt, dressed in breeches, a comically large top hat and snorting medically prescribed cocaine. “Much more than those women.”
F. Nicholas F. Hurd III, the fourth member of the class of 1833, completed his unfinished business of overturning Roe v. Wade and was therefore unable to be reached for comment.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
