My situationship is graduating and I think I’ll never see him again, but I’m down bad.

Heads: Enjoy the time you have together right now. If you want to keep consummating after commencement, then why not have that conversation? Just because logistics seem to be an obstacle doesn’t mean you can’t at least express interest.

Tails: L-RAJE occasionally hands out free vibrators in the Farinon lobby.

My roommate likes a guy who is stringing her along and doesn’t like her back. He’s made questionable decisions about them in the past. What should we do?

Heads: Point out to her any of his behaviors that you find concerning. Remember to tell her how much you want the best for her and how this person has been negatively affecting her life. We accept the love we think we deserve, and she needs to understand that she deserves someone who will treat her better.

Tails: Make a Margot Robbie-esque Tinder profile and don’t stop swiping until you match with him. Befriend him. Seduce him. Make him fall in love with the catfish you’ve created. Ask him to meet you on the Free Bridge at midnight to run away together. As he stands alone under a starless sky, sneak up behind him and push him in. No one messes with your roommate.

We only kiss when we’re drunk and all of a sudden he’s sober. What do I do?

Heads: If this is a positive change in their life, then it’s most important that you support that. If you haven’t tried to kiss sober, then find an environment where that’s a possibility (ie. a dinner date and not the Milo’s bathroom). If you can’t kiss sober, then you should not be with this person.

Tails: You need to learn the shameful, impersonal pleasure of a lights-off, sober, kiss-less screw.

Head?

Heads: Yes?

Tails: Yes.