A report from Alex Brown, the president of Lafayette College’s Student Government, on new changes to Student Government operations:
Due to unavoidable constitutional constraints (which, frankly, we find inconvenient), Student Government has voted to amend the constitution. The new amendment, Article VI Section 4 Part B Part 2 Subsection 1, states:
“In the event that a conflict arises between the Student Government and the judicial constraints of the constitution, all executive authority shall be consolidated into the Office of the President, who shall be empowered to do whatever they deem necessary with no further oversight.”
This crucial amendment will allow me to do whatever the fuck I want whenever I am criticized, thus solving a central issue with Student Government: accountability.
Another change will be made regarding budget allocations. The budget committee will be redirecting $500,000 of the clubs and activities fee to fund competitive salaries for Student Government, as we put in countless unpaid hours, which should be fixed.
On a completely unrelated note, I am now the first undergraduate student in Lafayette’s history to make six figures while in school.
These changes have been seen as overwhelmingly positive, with a full 2% of students in support. In other news, the Student Government Office will now also feature a gold-plated massage chair.
Cur non.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.