In response to a disastrous start to the season, the baseball team made two call-ups to bring the boom to its lineup. The program has signed up-and-coming prospects Big Justice and The Rizzler in hopes of turning things around, according to head coach A.J. “Big Justice’s Dad” Befumo.
“Big Justice brings the boom and puts it over the wall,” Befumo said. “And the Rizzler hits them with the ‘oh my gawd’ and rizzes them all.”
Big Justice and The Rizzler were able to enroll at Lafayette College after receiving an accelerated diploma from Bishop Sycamore High School. When asked about his decision, Big Justice expressed excitement to crush the ball for the Maroon and White.
“The baseball team gets five big BOOMS!” he said.
The Rizzler, however, was focused on other things.
“UNICORN!” he said while sticking a water bottle on his forehead.
Big Justice has already taken advantage of the opportunity, as he signed a $1.5 million NIL deal with Costco, although he preferred the lifetime supply of chicken bakes that came with it.
Meanwhile, The Rizzler’s new teammates have celebrated his arrival.
“He hits big dingers,” freshman Big Al said. “Merry Rizzmas.”
Bursting the excitement bubble is The Rizzler’s tendency to miss easy pop flies when making his Rizz face.
“I can’t help myself,” he defended. “It’s in my nature!”
Befumo said that he was excited to coach his son and especially excited to beat Peehigh, who he gave a “doom.”
“We bring the BOOM!” Befumo and Big Justice said. “That’s what we do!”
Several (and by several, we mean 47) members of the baseball team did not respond to requests for comment.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
