Across the hall from you during the hours of 12:45 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. is Lafayette College’s hottest new act.
“It’s about the music for me,” said Hugh Ash Hole ‘26, who held his out-of-tune guitar and lightly strummed it for the entirety of the interview.
Hole has been playing the guitar since his first-year situationship told him it would be “super sexy.” He recently figured out how to play “Wonderwall,” and he is very nonchalant about it.
“When I whip this one out at Late Night, my guitar won’t be the only G-string I’m hitting,” he sung.
Hole cited a wide range of “male manipulator” music as his musical influences.
“Have I told you I love The Smiths?” Hole asked. “You probably haven’t heard of them. They’re super underground.”
He has already played a set at Leopards at Nite, Swipe it Forward and an impromptu performance in your dorm’s kitchen — all to critical acclaim.
“There’s something about the way there are several seconds of silence as he moves his fingers between chords,” Cuck Beta ‘26, Hole’s roommate, praised. “Pure magic.”
However, his neighbors are singing a different tune.
“He sounds like a dying chinchilla scraping its nails against a chalkboard while screeching the lyrics to ‘Mr. Brightside,’” Chleep DePrived ’26 said.
“What’s worse, creating an ‘inhabitable space’ or preventing a master from contributing art into the world?” Hole, a philosophy major “on paper,” pondered.
“That’s the problem with people these days,” he continued. “Too focused on the rat races to appreciate authentic beauty.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
