Kirby House residents flooded the Public Danger emergency number with reports of deep unease and anxiety on Thursday. Something was terribly wrong when they stepped outside to the Quad, but they couldn’t quite put a finger on what.
“I haven’t been this freaked out since someone bled out all over the side door in the middle of the night,” said Gill Burt ‘27. “Hey, whatever happened to that guy?”
Public Danger’s only officer went to investigate the source of the dread and realized it was obvious: Pardee Hall had completely disappeared from the peripheral Quad landscape and fallen into a sinkhole!
In the early morning hours, just as humanities professors turned on their computers to cyberbully administrators and prepare for a day of brainwashing innocent students, the Pardee pathway sinkhole suddenly grew to an LAF-budget-sized proportion and swallowed the building whole.
“I knew ittttttt!” Gender Studies Professor Neil Armstrong could be heard screaming as the building fell into the abyss.
The cause of the sudden growth of the sinkhole is still unconfirmed. However, The Scoffayette editor-in-chief was added to a Signal group chat with senior college administration members which revealed they had been scheming about how they could redirect even more funding to engineering.
“We can blame it on the boogie — that’s code for sinkhole,” Hurd wrote in the group chat. “What does ID even stand for? Intolerable dicks? It’s PATHETIC.”
A student walking in front of Markle Hall early that morning said that she overheard a random shout of “RELEASE THE BOOGIE” followed by a loud boom but chalked it up to a fraternity rush event.
“We are currently searching this new abyss for the historic building and talented faculty,” Hurd wrote in a campus-wide email. “On another note, I am pleased to announce that Acopian is now getting a sixth floor!”
Doc G, who previously stated to The Scoffayette that the probability of Pardee falling into the sinkhole was “probably pretty slim,” could not be reached for comment. He was allegedly One-Parded after a geology student overheard sobs and existential comments coming from his office.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
