After the Lafayette College extension of Marriage Pact received so much positive feedback from students, the administration brought “Enemies Pact” to campus this week.
Dean of Students Walter Snipes said “Hey,” then, that he thought this initiative would be “positive” for the student community.
“Sometimes, you just need to let it out,” he said. “Find someone you can just yell, ‘AHHHHHHH’ at. And they just take it. Like your mom.”
Like Marriage Pact, Enemies Pact provides students with a comprehensive list of personal questions to match each with their perfect nemesis. Questions include, “Do you believe in astrology?” and “Which of your family members would you least like to see murdered in a revenge plot?”
“I said my dad,” Shar Min ‘27 said.
Unlike Marriage Pact, those who participate in Enemies Pact are required to duel their enemy on the Quad with the weapon of their choosing: sword, fist, cannon or Apple Pen. While Enemies Pact asked students which of these dueling methods they preferred, it neglected to mention these legally binding fights until students had signed the contract, hidden in the terms and conditions.
“Yeah, it was a surprise,” said Gill Tee ‘25, who was covered in blood.
“I always tell them to read the fine print!” exclaimed John, the former ITS guy, from the grave (his new job).
Administrators reportedly described the fights as “very entertaining” and “sometimes comical.”
Students cited a variety of reasons for joining Enemies Pact.
“I wanted to be paired with that dumb bitch in my class,” Ann Oying ‘26 said.
“My Marriage Pact partner and I are, like, totes in love,” Random Guy ‘28 said, referring to his two-day-old relationship. “I did Enemies Pact to fall in hate. Gotta switch it up.”
Snipes hopes Enemies Pact will become an annual tradition.
“It solves over-enrollment, too,” he said. “We were clever like that.”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
