In an unprecedented move that experts are calling “unhinged” and “absolutely typical,” President Donald Trump issued an executive order on Thursday banning nouns, citing a long history of “very bad, very mean” language used against him.
“People say stuff like ‘Trump is a criminal.’ You see the problem? No more nouns, no more nasty words,” Trump said at a Mar-a-Lago press conference. “Very smart. Maybe the smartest order. Some say.”
The order has sent shockwaves through media and politics, where nouns have historically played a key role in communication. Fox News swiftly adapted, broadcasting in pure adjectives — “Strong! Bold! Patriotic! Weak! Radical! Woke!” — while The New York Times, unable to function without multi-syllabic nouns, published a blank paper on Friday.
A source close to the president, speaking under the condition that we “never, ever, EVER” reveal his name, suggested that the ban may have been a mistake.
“Honestly, he meant to ban pronouns,” the source said. “He kept hearing people say things like ‘they indicted him’ and ‘we need to stop him’ and got really upset. He kept yelling, ‘WHO?! WHO IS THEY?! WE WHO?!’”
“He thinks pronouns are part of the deep state,” the source continued. “He kept saying, ‘Nobody ever talks about pronouns in the Bible. No pronouns in the Bible! So why do we need them?’ We tried showing him that the Bible does, in fact, have pronouns. He called that ‘Fake Bible.’ At that point, we just nodded and pretended to write down his ideas.”
Meanwhile, Trump dismissed all concerns, posting on Truth Social: “FAKE MAD! ‘We need !’ WRONG! TOO MANY TOO! JUST POINT & YELL! ENJOY!”
An administration spokesman, when reached for comment, sent a deportation notice.
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Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
