By Cameron Powell ‘17 | Staff Writer

School newspaper humorist Cameron Powell of The Lafayette has been officially diagnosed as clinically insane.

After a near decade of telling people this very fact, they’ve finally started listening. He has been diagnosed with a number of mental ailments ranging from, but not limited to, Schwarzenneggerian Speech Disorder, Attention Dependency Disorder, and Obsessive Roleplaying Behavior. You may be asking yourself how could such things be said about such a good looking, intelligent, and all around nice guy. There have been several reports of the victim having random outbursts of anger, nonsense, or both.

He frequently sees and hears things that are not actually there and often interacts with non-existent objects. He been found in several trees with the only explanation being, “I’m Batman.” He is often found wandering throughout his residence hall attempting to “release the Kraken.” It seems that he also believes himself to be Kraken, therefore all this time he has been attempting to release himself.

His dialogue is composed entirely of movie sound effects. Witnesses who have tried to hold conversations with him report that he doesn’t say actual words, but more so emits high pitched screeches with no clear meaning. (Everyone should note that just because the meaning isn’t clear does not mean that the meaning isn’t there.)

Psychologist Dr. Michael Rosenheck, the doctor who has been treating Powell, has commented that he shows no empathy or normal human emotions. His face constantly bears a never changing furrowed brow, creating a signature look that the doctor describes as “confusion.” The only instances where he seems to exhibit any forms of happiness are either when he’s interacting with himself or his cat, Snickers.

He also shows a particular fondness for shuffleboard and long walks off piers. Investigators will now look to editor-in-chief of The Lafayette, Michael Kowaleski, as to why he allows Powell to print mindless rants in the paper labeled as “humor.”