Well, this is where I started, a love letter to the single girls on Valentine’s Day. With this last letter of the semester, I again want to reach out to the singles on campus and tweak my former message. While on Valentine’s Day I provided remedies for dealing with your friends happily in relationships or being alone on the national holiday for date nights, today my message will be short and sweet: it’s okay to be single.
Please stop complaining about it. If I hear someone say, “I just need a boyfriend,” it might be too soon to have one. Have I been guilty of this kind of behavior? Of course, but the subtext to this species of comments exposes a negative and unhealthy mindset. First of all, you don’t need a boyfriend, you want a boyfriend. Saying that you need a man to feel fulfilled is ridiculous.
Trust me, you are not missing out. While having a significant other can be a life-altering and wonderful experience, we have to acknowledge that the key word there is “significant.” You cannot just have a boyfriend for the sake of wanting a boyfriend. A boyfriend is not a concept, a boyfriend is a person and for a relationship to work, it requires two people in this whole universe that we inhabit to come together and click with each other. The odds are not in anyone’s favor.
Companionship is a basic human need and sex is a basic human want. Although you can kill two birds with one stone with a monogamous relationship, there are ways to fill both these primal desires. On one hand, you have your friends for companionship and on the other hand, you can have people you hook up with. If you feel uncomfortable with the casual hook ups then there is nothing wrong or dirty about other methods of self-pleasure.
Like I said, it’s not ideal. A boyfriend seems to be that perfect package all tied up in a bow, but relationships are tough. Look at your relationships with your friends, if those are complicated; imagine adding sex to the mix? I really do not see the point in being with someone and taking it as seriously as calling it a relationship unless the person is really making you happy. If your stomach still does a back flip at the sight of the person, you’ve done well.
In an introductory psychology class, you learn about attributions, or explanations we use to understand others and ourselves. We learn about the internal and external locus of control. Too often I hear women in particular focused on an external locus when it comes to relationships. We tend to think that trouble with guys comes from bad luck. Things always seem to go this way for me. This is an unhealthy way to think and just perpetuates the cycle. The internal locus of control focuses on how you can make things happen for yourself. And you can.
If you really want to be with someone, try your best to make it happen and if it doesn’t go your way, do not chuck it up to bad luck. Instead, be proud that you were brave enough to strive for what you wanted. If it didn’t work, you probably just haven’t found the person you click with yet. Give it time and enjoy being single. This is the most liberating time in your life. Focus on powering through finals, spending the last weekend with your best friends, and killing it this summer whether you are traveling, working, or taking a much-needed break at home. Remember that it may not always seem that you’re in control, but you are in control of your reaction to things.