Poor Saylor just can’t control herself. Poor girl. (Graphic by Stubert Jehosephat Romano for the Scoffayette)

College President Nicole Hurd really can’t catch a break.

In a year plagued with a no-confidence vote, tuition increases and a vice presidential debate doomed from the start, Hurd is being called out yet again — not just for showering naked and being AI — this time for allowing her dogs to urinate and defecate on college property several times a day.

A student who has a “really sick killer” view of Hurd’s place from their McCartney II dorm brought this scathing discovery to light. The student, an EXCEL scholar, stayed up for 72 hours to observe the daily tinkle patterns of Sunshine, Sadie and Saylor.

“TWENTY TIMES EACH!” he said. “Hurd lets them out herself. She doesn’t just allow it, she encourages it.”

The repeated offense allegedly occurs at the president’s house. Hurd has previously called the first floor — which we can only assume covers the front lawn — “the community’s house.”

“I won’t let anything piss and poop on my property,” said Shakento DaCore ‘26. “Two words: GA ROSS.”

Public Danger is reportedly investigating this allegation after the release of the EXCEL report.

“We take shit like this very seriously,” said the responding officer, holding his nose.

One thousand two hundred fifty students gathered on the quad to demonstrate the harm by relieving themselves on campus grounds.

“See how she likes it now,” said Phil O’Shyte ‘26, who seemed to be a little too into it.

Sunshine, Sadie and Saylor — in a group email — defended their delinquency.

“Bark bark bark,” they wrote. This roughly translates to: “It’s a free country! You don’t like it? Then leave!”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.