The athletic department announced on Monday that it unearthed a plot to “curse” all 23 Division I sports teams at the school.
Sophomore lacrosse player Mac Beth was walking to his dorm in the Fishers when he said he saw “three figures” huddled on one of the tennis courts.
“I doth heard the sweet melodies of chanting,” Beth said. “Methought the cheerleaders practiced.”
He added that it was “toad-spotted and villainous” because it was 2 a.m.
A recording obtained by The Scoffayette confirms that the Leopards are henceforth doomed to lose forever.
The witches can be heard singing, “Double, double foil the huddle, burn the bats and spoil the football.”
“We taketh any allegations of witchcraft v’ry s’riously, and art actively searching f’r a countereth-curse yond shall alloweth all of our most wondrous teams to winneth a Patriot League championship,” athletic director Dun Can wrote in an email.
Beth declined to comment on rumors that he is planning to overthrow the athletic department and establish a lacrosse regime.
This is a developing story. Please check back for updates.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.