The athletic department revealed the school’s new plan for improving the performance of Lafayette’s sports teams.
“Starting next week, the on-site reporter for The Scoffayette will be publicly executed following any team’s home loss,” said I.P. Daily, spokesman for the President’s office.
The motion has widespread support among Lafayette’s athletes, who believe this rule could be just what struggling teams need.
“When you see your fellow classmate with the fear of God in their eyes, and begging for their life, you’re not going to turn the ball over or make the risky pass,” said senior midfielder Dixie Rect. “It gives us all a huge boost.”
Some students, however, noted that this could lead to further tuition increases.
“We know that there’s some concern about the cost of funerals or cleaning up the dead,” Daily said. “Luckily, our office recently received a list of 102 faculty members who don’t seem to mind losing funding.”
“Reporters in the Middle East put themselves in danger every day,” editor-in-chief Jenna Talia said. “If you aren’t willing to do the same for Lafayette athletics, my response would be ‘Cur Non?’”
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
