President Chump, sorry, Trump, recently used his favorite Mr. Sketch scented marker (Licorice) to sign away the Department of Education, ensuring illiteracy for every child in Alabama. So where’s all that federal funding going?
Mr. Trump has big plans for the brand-spanking-new Department of Enigmas.
“I love the Mothman,” Trump said in an exclusive interview with the Muhlenberg Weekly, the student newspaper of Muhlenberg College, of which The Scoffayette obtained a copy by threatening to point out their AP style errors.
“He’s very nice, the Mothman,” Trump continued. “A very nice man. Loves lamps. He’s got a nice ass, too. Have you ever seen his ass? I’ve touched it, his ass.”
In a press release sent via Amazon drone, Trump explained that his childhood affinity for enigmas, mysteries, cryptids and the like would now be an issue for the federal government. The department will spend taxpayer dollars to investigate unexplained phenomena and creatures in the name of pseudoscience.
“I’m actually pretty happy about this,” said a student from New Jersey who smelled like pierogies. “I’m telling you man, the Jersey Devil is real and it’s evil. It stole my Birkenstock clogs.”
“After seeing Dune, I knew the Mongolian Death Worm had to be real,” Slam Coehout ‘25 said. “Does this mean Timothée Chalamet is too?”
The criteria to qualify as an “unexplained” phenomenon or creature remain unknown.
“Well, would you be happy if the Department of Enigmas showed up at your front door to investigate you?” singer Christina Aguilera said.
The department has yet to publish any results of its investigations.
“Erm,” Bigfoot said.
Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.
